What prevents love?
Unfortunately or fortunately, it is the expectations of partners that are the key point that mediates feelings and activities, which in turn often leads them to a number of negative games, the ending of which is separation. Let's try to "touch" the popular game, which I call the "Weekend Couple."
So, Clara and Karl liked each other, looked like dates, realized that they were good together, and chose a convenient format of relations - meetings on weekends. First time it suits both. Some of them can live with their parents, or, for example, both can work in very serious positions, and besides, in offices located at different ends of the city. One way or another, rapprochement will create the need to demolish the established way of life, to sacrifice something.
One of them, in our case Karl, doesn’t even think about getting together with Klara, since in general everything is so nishtyak. On weekdays, he can come home after work and, without taking off his coat, drink a beer, quickly get him out of the refrigerator. Or go to your friends to watch football ... And on weekends you can go to cinemas and shopping centers, have sex and in general - feel all the delights of relationships with Klara.
At first, Clara is doing well, because in her expectations this format is only a prelude to rapprochement, a ring, a marriage, children ... Everything that gives a woman a feeling of exclusivity. But time goes by, and Charles does not force relations
“Are we going to meet on weekends until my old age?” Clara asks herself and becomes sad. Her expectations are not met. Along with this, irritation and feelings of resentment accumulate. Clara may try to ask Carl the question: “How do you see us in the future?” Or say something that should bring him to the “right thoughts”, like: “And Galya and Valentin have been together for two months and living together. And very happy. ” Or even quite bold: “Maybe we should find an apartment and move in?”
Karl can just be silent or filter something like: “De-e-ek, well, aren't we good together and so? We're fine, aren't you? Do we love each other? You know that now it is not quite on time, as they promised to raise me (other options - my grandmother is sick, I must give credit, mice have started in my chest) ”. Clara, hearing this answer, swallows a lump in her throat and leaves dissatisfied. In her soul settled insult ...
She stops thinking how good she was with Carl. She begins to think how he did not appreciate it. The bright expectations of how good she will be with him in the future are replaced by alarming ones - how bad she will be when she remains an “old maid”. From a psychological point of view, love begins to fade away.
Suppose Karl was not going to start a family, and the form of relationship that is now, the most desirable for him. But not a fact. Perhaps he is just not ready for such a development right now. In any case, Clara does not have this information.
Perhaps Clara originally wanted to live with Carl together and create a family. Did she give herself this report? We leave this question unanswered. She didn't tell Karl exactly. What was the general expectation? Both wanted an experience that would let them know if they could be happy together. But at that moment, when Clara's expectations are not met, she feels depressed and relieves irritation on Carl. He instantly begins to get a negative experience and experience emotions that kill feelings and motivation. Carl begins to seriously fear that since the relationship at the rehearsal stage already contains reproaches and displeasure, then nothing good will come of it.
At this point in the game “Relationships on weekends”, a tripartite trap arises, which loops around partners and ultimately destroys love and relationships.
So, on the one hand, both want love and relationships, on the other - neither one nor the other has an understanding of what should happen if they are to be satisfied. Clara doesn’t know if Carl wants to develop a relationship. Carl himself may not yet be aware of whether he is really ready to develop relations. Does he love Clara or is he watching his feelings for now? In any case, to give any guarantees that should satisfy Clara, he can hardly. As we can see, the first trap is the lack of information.
The second trap is that unjustified expectations create negative feelings and deprive motivation to act. The negative background in the relationship is growing, which means that both of them have doubts that they generally need to come closer.
The third trap is purely gender: it seems that Charles should develop relations. But he, of course, is not obliged. If he is a man and a strong half, then generally he can observe until he is ready for a decision.If Clara needs development, she can ask. But it looks unnatural, because it turns out that she forces Karl to do what should happen naturally?
As a result, expectations are not met, there is no motivation, joint activities for the benefit of each other cease. Love gives way to discontent. Very soon, the relationship becomes unbearable because of the constant quarrels. Karl and Clara begin to call up less and less often, he forgets to congratulate her on the next holiday, and she prefers it to the society of gathering with her friends. They sometimes meet, but these meetings themselves serve as a reason for disappointment, because they only remind of how well they were together.
The original problem may be diverse. Perhaps Clara is not self-confident and needs Carl in order to compensate for this uncertainty. He feels it and does not want to develop relationships. Does this mean that Clara needs to take care of herself and allow the partner to mature himself before the decision? Maybe Karl is not mature enough to take responsibility for the woman and the future family with her? Then he needs to tense up and offer Clara a ring?
Or maybe all that shows Clara’s insecurity is the lack of determination to deliver an ultimatum: “Either we come together or we disagree! If you don’t decide this soon, I collect my gear! ”Or maybe they just don’t like each other?
I want you to be psychologists in the comments on this topic.
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